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Shane Bitney Crone’s moving letter to Tom Bridegroom on the fourth anniversary of his death
Bridegroom is one of the most deeply moving films I have ever seen.
I also think the world of Shane Bitney Crone whose love story with the late Tom Bridegroom is one for the ages and is told in the film.
It was four years ago that Tom died in a tragic fall from a rooftop. Shane has posted an open letter to Tom that I am sharing in its entirety.
Dear Tom,
I know writing to you is kind of pointless. You’ve been gone for four years now and can’t read this. And yet, two years ago I wrote you a letter and it made me feel a little better, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to try again.
I’ve been wondering how I would feel about this anniversary. I can’t believe it. You’ve been gone for four years.
The first two years after losing you were beyond painful. There would be fleeting moments of normalcy or happiness; then I would realize you weren’t around to enjoy them with me and suddenly even wonderful events became crushing blows of sadness. I considered suicide. I know that would disappoint you, Tom. I felt so hollow and longed to have you by my side, assuring me everything would be okay.
By the time the third anniversary rolled around, I expected it to be difficult, naturally, but thanks to the many kind words and friendships I’ve been blessed with, it was much more bearable. There are so many people out there who support you and me. You’d be astonished to know how many people from all over the world know who you are and miss you too, without ever having met you.
I thought this anniversary would be easier. You fell from that rooftop four years ago–shouldn’t it be easier by now? Shouldn’t I miss you less? But it’s not easier…and I don’t miss you less. Life has become a lot more bearable, of course, and please know that I have found some peace and happiness (which for awhile I never thought would be possible).
I’m having a tough time figuring out the best way to honor you this year. I thought about organizing a fundraiser or an awareness campaign, but nothing seemed just right. I originally started writing you this letter as an outlet for my grief, but as I write this, I realize that maybe this is the tribute I can give to you. Maybe it’s better to keep it simple and personal.
Sometimes I get nervous when I post about you because in spite of the incredible support I receive, for which I am so grateful, every so often I get unkind comments and messages. I usually try not to dwell on the criticisms I receive, but sometimes they’re hard to avoid. People have told me to move on or accuse me of exploiting the loss of your life, but I try to remind myself that what others think of me does not define me. You taught me that and I try to carry that lesson with me each and every day because sharing our story and speaking my truth has brought deeper meaning to my life. I’ve chosen to pursue this path because it feels like it is my calling. I want to dedicate my life to spreading awareness and connecting with others—this is bigger than me.
I’ve spent the past four years trying to figure out who I am without you and how to navigate my life without my best friend and co-pilot. I thought you’d be by my side until we were wrinkled and gray. I’ve had to find reasons to live that don’t involve growing old with you.
People keep asking me what I’m going to do next and I’m honestly not sure what will happen but I believe that what is meant to be, will be. I’m open to anything, but only if it will help open more hearts and minds. All I know is that life is unpredictable and I don’t want to get hung up on any one avenue. I’m writing a book about my journey that I hope will get published. With any luck, it will resonate with others in the same way the documentary has.
I don’t know what will happen, but I will keep pushing myself to forge new meaning in my life and to fight hard to make a difference in the world. I owe it to you and to everyone who has ever lived in fear of judgment or persecution for being true to themselves. I promise that in honor of our love, I will continue telling our story so long as it helps people in a positive way.
I’ve reflected a lot lately and am confident about moving forward with my life with more happiness and possibility. I also look forward to sharing more of my old self with people; the person you knew and loved, who had a sense of humor and enjoyed the silly, wonderful things in life. I want to show others who have also experienced troubled pasts or tragic events that their pain doesn’t have to define them. I want them to know that they’re not alone and I want people to know that I’m not just someone with a sad story.
It’s very hard to imagine being in love with someone who isn’t you, Tom. I know you would support me falling in love again and I realize that it is a possibility. Even if it never happens, I will always be grateful to have had at least one great love. You were the love of my life and I will cherish every smile, every fight, every vacation, every boring night at home watching TV because with you, they were special occasions. I was so lucky to find you and will always do my best to live in a way that reflects your generous heart and vivacious spirit. I promise to remember that tomorrow is never guaranteed and I will not take anything in life, nor the people I love, for granted.
Thank you, Tom, for showing me how to love. I will never stop missing you but I feel a little bit better knowing that your love will be a part of me forever. I will always be a better person because I knew you. I’m grateful for the love you gave me and for the life I’ve been given.
I know this letter is all over the place, but I actually do feel better now. Something tells me that even though you can’t read it in person, wherever you are, you know what’s in my heart. I’m not sure where my path will take me in the next year, but I will always keep the memory of you close. I hope I’m making you proud.
Tap, Tap, Tap,
Shane
Comments
(All comments are reviewed before being published, and I review submissions several times per day.)
K. Martinez says:
What a powerful and moving letter. I probably would’ve missed it if it wasn’t posted here. Thank you for sharing it, Greg.
Jean Marc Pelletier says:
Thank you for sharing that lettre with us… Univers work in very spécial ways, I was read inv on your web and naturaly that lettre arrive exactly at the time I needed in my life, almost 2 years ago I have lost my husband, a very viral an rapid cancer took him away, we just have the time to put things in Motion like he whant an arrange everyting because a month later he past away. The year that he left whould have been hour 34 anniversary of being together, I can Tell you I have lost my husband, my friend, my brother, my confident an my love… When I look now I know that I have been privilège that he was a part of my life, it still very hard even now from time to time not to compare or feel sad, but life have a special way of putting you back where you are an What you should do… It is good from time to time to acknoledge how you feel, The prosses of writing a lettre to him is very good an very comforting even if it is for yourself, it is not realy important that someone read it but it is very good for you, for the prosses to heal… Many thanks again for it an bless you. Jean Marc Pelletier, from Montreal, Canada.
Ed Campbell says:
Hi Shane –
I just recently moved with my partner of 28 years to Portland from SoCal – while we are getting re-established, I am using my sister’s Netflix account and came across Bridegroom. I think I have watched it at least a dozen times this month. My wish is that you are coping a little more every day.
I can’t imagine the pain…it would be unbearable. I have been with my partner for 28 years and things have been tough. In moments of despair we find ourselves seeking ways to separate beleiving things would be easier if we just went at it alone – being together has been heartbreaking…but not half as heart breaking as what you have endured.
I’m obviously older than you and social media has little value in my life, but coming across your story and having the opportunity to follow your journey after such a tragic loss has shifted my thinking. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to lose my partner – we have discussed marriage and discounted it even after the Supreme Court ruling. Your story has opened our eyes and to be honest, I never considered our family possibly tearing away at the final threads during the most horriffic and vulnerable time in your life.
I am so proud you chose to share your story. I know it can be receieved on many levels, but for me it is a cautionary tale…your loss has, I imagine, shifted perspective across the world and many might view your terrible loss as the story, but it is a reminder of the many times I was not allowed in a surgical recovery room because I had no legal rights, or having to explain our partnership in legal proceedings only to be dismissed and discriminated against, or when my partner’s mom died how I was not allowed at her memorial even though she grew to accept me through the years.
Times are tough for the 2 of us right now – trying to reinvent our lives and ourselves – you must feel the same way…but I understand now how important it is for us to be married – it is devastating to think you were so close and tragedy marched it’s way across your heart before things could change for the better, and possibly change the outcome with Tom’s family and the dispicable way they have treated you. I was mortified to see how they acted and took such a cruel and final stab at you by placing him inbetween 2 people who may have been his parents, but could never love him like you did.
There are never words but I hope you read this some day. In our early life, we both were very, very careful about PDA…we still use the same 3 tap code or use the sign for love with our hands in public, but discreetly – I ache for a time when I can sneak that kiss or hold his hand without judement, but things haven’t changed THAT MUCH to be that comfortable…it’s a form of shame and we are both trying to break the cycle.
Brenee Brown (google her) has been a great influence and helped shape the way we move through our lives at this stage of the game. We are part of a much larger society that has found new and more invasive ways to shame one another…I personally feel social media feeds this shame in the worst of ways. I hope you will look into Brenee’s lectures and books and find some tools to get through everything you have been through. She’s really smart, and refreshingly honest and funny.
One last thing…when I lost my dad a few years ago, I was devastated – he was my best friend, confidant, and advocate. There are quiet moments I can’t explain, but I like to call them “vibrations” – in those moments where I’m sure he’s near, I try hard not to feel sad or to miss him, but accept those odd “vibratrions” that come through and simply say “hi dad..I can’t wait to see you again”…I hope that helps. You are brave…please hold on and hold on tight. The world needs more people like you. Much Love, Ed
Elizabeth Hair says:
I saw Bridegroom yesterday and I haven’t cried that hard in a long long time. Things haven’t been easy for me; in 2012 I had a brain tumour removed but suffered 2 strokes, I had to relearn everything, talking walking, I can’t use my left arm now and still can’t walk great but I used my illness as an excuse to build a wall up around myself so I wouldn’t be judged on how I look and move now (I’m 46 this year).
Seeing Bridegroom made me so ashamed of that, I wish I could have a love that deep but I know now it’ll never happen but what I will do is put all my energy into going out and seeing my beautiful island, everything I see will be dedicated to Shane and Tom.
Jouko Seppo matias Hannu says:
Hi,
Im so sad about you. You are kind and hopefull even what happened. Tom was perfect for you. Im going through same thing.
Yours, Matias from Finland
Tasmin says:
You are so lovely Shane & I hope in time you will find love with someone else The dignity you had during the horrible things his family did to you makes me feel so humble I couldn’t have acted that way xx your beautiful family make up for there ignorance xx take care you special man with much love & respect from Tasmin over in the UK xx
Rae Belcher says:
Shane when i first read your story,I cried it touched me and I vowed to be a voice to help bring about positive change in the rights of our LGBT family. I say family not community cause for me thats how close to home it s for me I pray you’ve found some peace and your heart is healing.Know that you are loved and keep spreading understanding that love is unconditional!!!!!
Leo Martin says:
If could, I really want to see Tom’s monument some day,for the vigor and positivity he cast on me.Thanks for TomandShane appearing in my life letting me know we’re not alone.And may Shane find true love again.