Michael Musto’s report on Joan Rivers funeral and Howard Stern’s hilarious opening line

Michael Musto has posted his first-hand account of Joan Rivers’ funeral yesterday on Out.com and I loved reading about some of what Howard Stern said about the comedy icon. I heard her on his show many times over the years and it was always very clear that they completely got each other.

But wait! I made it past the doorman at Joan Rivers’ invitation-only funeral at Temple Emanu-El on Fifth Avenue yesterday, and found an event that was so funny and touching that even Anna Wintour would have moved her face. It started with the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus singing mildly insouciant show tunes like “Hey, Big Spender” and “There Is Nothing Like a Dame.” Then a holy man took the podium to promise he wouldn’t be the “rambling rabbi” that Joan feared, instead giving easygoing comments about how warm and giving she was as a person and show biz icon.

Next up, six-time Tony winner Audra McDonald sang a bittersweet version of “Smile,” clearly angling for more awards. And then came the first guest speaker. It was shock jock Howard Stern. Who wasn’t listed in the program. People got nervous. What would he say? And were we allowed to laugh at it? Well, the curly haired demon didn’t disappoint. His first comment set the tone: “Joan Rivers had an extremely dry vagina.” The whole place broke up laughing and suddenly a religious temple had become the Friar’s Club. Stern explained that Joan made that very remark on his radio show not long ago, and she added that her vadge was like a sponge whenever she laid in a tub full of water. Joan had told Stern, “If Whitney Houston had a dry vagina like mine, she’d be alive today!” By now, the crowd—which included every old power broker from Donald “You’re fired” Trump to Judge “You’re guilty” Judy—was in stitches and crossing their legs so they wouldn’t wet themselves. Even more shockingly, Stern went on to seriously talk at length about how dedicated and dazzling Joan was, as he welled up with very real tears. “She wasn’t just about being shocking,” he admitted. “She had a heart. I should learn from her!”

There were other speakers, including daughter Melissa Rivers, who went for a fairly light-hearted letter she’d written to her mother, probably so she could stay relatively composed. And then Hugh Jackman took the stage to sing a song he said Joan had requested—Peter Allen’s “Quiet Please, There’s a Lady On Stage,” an ode to Judy Garland in her twilight years, which Jackman did in The Boy From Oz. By the end, Jackman had us standing and clapping along in a fitting tribute to the respect Joan demanded with her combination of trash mouth and fine manners. As we left while a bagpipe ensemble played “New York, New York,” I was haunted by another of Stern’s comments: “I hope Joan is somewhere right now chasing Johnny Carson around with a baseball bat.”